1. Tweet no more than twice a day and no less than once a week; if you tweet more than twice a day (unless you’re “politically active” during a “highly political moment” you’re being narcissistic and at the same time needy) and if you tweet less than once a week, people forget you exist, and the longer you refrain from tweeting, as in Back to the Future, the less “there” you are socially: to others your body begins to slough away, your tweets go dark, and not even the memory of you remains to your friends and acquaintances and people you don’t really know though they are your family, while you sit in your room, ghostlike and twitterless, watching all life interact in 140 characters or less.
2. Follow back, in a 48-hour period, anyone who follows you, except in the following situations: a) if the person who follows you is outside your “field” of expertise; this “field” is, of course, a subjective interpretation, and you must be consistent (if you’re an architect and you don’t follow back a painter, this is fine, but if you then follow a photographer, you’re hurting people’s feelings), b) if they seem to be, from a glance at their tweets, an asshole, c) they are a weightlifting, freestyle waterskier, who performed in the seventies and have written a memoir.
3. Randomly “like” a tweet of some obscure follower who you’ve noticed never gets any “likes.” This will do two things: 1) you’ll positively affect the universe, not necessarily building this other tweeter’s self-esteem, but definitely growing compassion and understanding through your “like,” which the “other” tweeter will, not necessarily consciously comprehend, but definitely feel, and 2) you guarantee yourself a “like” at some point unless this tweeter is a 2b.
4. If someone “likes” one of your tweets, you have a period of one week to like one of their tweets. The week period is an unspoken agreement, in which you’re allowed to really consider if any of their tweets are worth liking, and if at the end of a one week period, you haven’t found any tweet worth liking, you can’t retroactively like a tweet, you just have to, sadly, like the next one they tweet, even if it may suck. The consequence of not reciprocating the original “like” will mean that that person will not like something of yours, and we all must understand that social life revolves around being liked, being likable, and not “liking” means you’re not “likable.” Pretty simple.
5. Never get involved in a “conversation” on Twitter – to others in the universe, this looks like you don’t actually care about anything except yourself, your own thoughts and emotions, your own words, your own subjective interpretation of reality, when, just look, there are all these other tweets revealing reality right in front of you! You’re missing it!
6. Silence on Twitter, as in life, isn’t acceptable – having opinions, making those opinions known, understanding and categorizing the world or oneself, making certain to always be indicating the type of person you are in every tweet, making certain, if you’re neurotic, to display your understanding of your neurosis in a playful way is a good idea; if you’re political, don’t be afraid to be political, but be afraid to be overly political; make it clear, on Twitter, that you’re a person who eats food, lives in weather, associates with others, and has a physical body, has a voice, is always moving, always thinking, never stopping, gaining knowledge, wanting more, being playful, being serious, a real, authentic thinker, considerer, articulater. Articulating all this must come from a place motivated to display exactly who you are, which is Twitter’s, and everyone’s, greatest goal, to know, and therefore to articulate, exactly what we are.